This is probably my absolute favorite book. It makes so much sense. I had known about the 5 love languages in general just from conversation and the work environment. I had picked up a copy of the book, The Five Love Languages at a book store but hadn't read it. At some point, I picked it up... for children. We went through a time of struggles with Colby and through the process of helping him get back on track to a typical age appropriate ability to function I read the book. Funny thing, I didn't read the book on my own, it was like I was told to read it. Colby was diagnosed with separation anxiety disorder while in 1st grade at only 6 years old. This was the year of hurricane Ike. Hurricane Ike was just what pushed him to the point of insecurity beyond the extra hugs and cuddles. We had several deaths in our family and it was all very overwhelming. And then the hurricane. It was like loss, loss, loss, loss, fear, loss, insecurity, etc. He never wanted to leave my side and there was no leaving him at school. While this was going on, us doing everything we can to comfort him and get him on track asap as to not stagnate his development, he would go to "big" church with us. In a series of sermons, Pastor Kerry talked about speaking the language of your spouse, your children, etc. It wasn't exact to Dr. Gary Chapman's 5 love languages as there are many who have similar thoughts on what it takes to love. Having said that, we do all know that love is an action, not a feeling? While sitting there, he would introduce 1 concept and discuss it and then another and then he says - touch. Some people receive love the best through touch and physical expressions. Colby was already sitting as close to me as he possibly could and leaned over to me and said, "that's mine." My eyes about popped out of my head! Really? This 6 year old BOY can openly communicate to me HIS LOVE LANGUAGE??? No freakin way! But inside, I knew it was absolutely the truth that he was fully aware of what he was talking about. The way to show Colby love is to hug him, hold him, pat his head, pat his back, scratch his back, hold hands, and so on. I then recalled how he would hold onto the ear of the person holding him as an infant and it became the only way he could go to sleep. This went on until around age 4-5. He always wanted to be held as a baby, like ALWAYS.
With that ah-ha moment from Colby, I grabbed the book and read and read and read and read some more. I had a pen underlining things and little sticky notes for all of the important things to review after I completed the book (which by the way my sister removed every last one of them when she borrowed the book :)~) and really took to hear all that it said. Now, we had been at a loss of what to do with Colby. We did everything we could from A to Z in attempts to motivate him to attend school and nothing worked. So I just knew this book had the answers and it did. What I found in the book was so wonderful and helped me to explain to the other "people on his team" as we called it, exactly what would help Colby and what wouldn't work.
Now we know, that ALL children need physical touch from their parents and other caregivers. It's just a fact. It's needed for the child to thrive and to develop in a way that is beneficial to the child. Without it, the child might not be able to advance to the next things that follow in life development. The biggest thing learning about physical touch and it as Colby's primary love language is have more tolerance because let's face it, how long can someone rub your ear lob before you want to slap their hand away? How much closer could another human really get without smothering you, literally? It gave me tolerance. It gave me patience. It gave me understanding. It guided my interaction with him. It molded my discipline with him. I don't like the whole spanking thing to start with. Yes, all of my kids have gotten pops on the butt - usually at times when they were out of control and it was to get their attention. What I learned is, if a kid's primary love language is touch - spanking, hitting, smacking, pinching, biting, hair pulling, shoving, jerking, grabbing and even the threat of doing these things is counter active to their development and the very reasons parents are blessed with children to begin with.
Once I figured this out and shared it with his therapist, all the family involved, his teacher, school counselor and other faculty at school - the calmer his life became. There are some teachers who are huggers and some aren't. They both have their reasons and that's OK. But once they were aware that this worked for Colby, those involved offering him a hug - quietly as he is so very shy, especially during that time period, really made him feel loved, wanted, a part of, cared about, secure - all the things he needed. We all worked together to keep Colby's love tank full by making the effort, having patience and tolerance, to show the affection through touch even when we might not really feel quite like that hug, or have the time to really let him sit on our lap... the love tank must stay full.
I really encourage all parents and grand-parents to read this book. There are many books Dr. Chapman has written for different audiences. They are simple to read and really let you see what our children need. They all need love, but they all interpret it by a different action.
the 5 love languages
1. physical touch
2. words of affirmation
3. quality time
4. gifts
5. acts of service
All kids need each love language "spoken" to them; however, each child has one love language that really speaks directly to them. ALL KIDS ARE DIFFERENT! I have to say - this is a piece of that puzzle!
Psalms 127: 3 Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord,
the fruit of the womb a reward.
Proverbs 22: 6 Train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it.
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